“Who do they say I am?”
How to tell if your personal character is what you think it is
Feedback is a tough thing to get used to.
Recently I got some negative feedback on one of my novels—and it was frankly brutal. At one point the reader told me I was ‘the reason people have a low opinion of self publishing.’ And yeah … ouch.
Now in balance, I’ve had far more people write to tell me how much they loved the exact book this guy was criticizing. They praised the story, the pacing, the characters, the writing style. Some pointed out typos—that happens. But largely, the opinion of the book was that it was (at the very least) ‘good work.’
Also, I won an award for that novel—so there’s that.
Human tendency is to take that good praise and ignore the bad praise—and I fully support that tendency.
What—you were expecting a different answer?
At one point the reader told me I was ‘the reason people have a low opinion of self publishing.’
The thing is, we sometimes need uncomfortable feedback in order to see where we may have gone wrong, and then go fix it. But we never need negative feedback.
We never need to pay any attention at all to statements like ‘you’re the reason self publishing has bad reputation,’ or ‘you’re the worst baseball player of all time,’ or maybe ‘you shouldn’t even be doing this work, you’re so bad.’ We don’t have to spend any time worrying about whether they may or may not have a point.
Take feedback that builds you up, but ignore feedback that tears you down. Even if that feedback is giving you really good advice, it isn’t coming from a place of love, so it has no place in your life.
How much stock should we put in opinions?
You get a lot of advice about listening to or ignoring the opinions of others, and it’s generally well meaning. “Why should you care what other people think?” Exactly. Why should you? People can sometimes be a bit petty and mean and selfishly motivated, and there’s always the chance that they’re offering you ‘advice’ out of a sense of jealousy. Or maybe out of their own sense of fear.
Sometimes people get caught up in the idea that what you’re trying to do isn’t something they would want to do, or it’s something they’d be too risk averse to try. So they give you a whole list of reasons why it will fail, why you’re not good enough, why the inevitable crash of a giant asteroid into the Earth will cause an extinction-level event, so why bother?
Those people, you don’t listen to.
If, however, a friend or family member or mentor happens to be someone knowledgable about what you’re trying to do, and they have some tales of caution about your projected course—them, you should listen to.
How much stock should you put into someone’s opinions? Not much.
But experience? Demonstrable expertise? Real-world know-how? When you find that in a mentor, you need to latch onto it like one of those face-clingers from ‘Alien.’ Just not literally. Keep all latching in the metaphorical realm, for legal reasons.
Sometimes people get caught up in the idea that what you’re trying to do isn’t something they would want to do, or it’s something they’d be too risk averse to try.
Jesus Christ—Marketing Maven
Advice about advice is all well and good, and you can take any advice (including that of this article) as ‘optional.’ But this piece is about personal character—and just like ‘good advice,’ the measure is in the output.
I’m a Christ follower, so I frame most of the lessons in my life in terms of ‘What did Jesus say?’ Similar to the sentiment of the WWJD? bracelets, but with less arm-hair-pulling.
Relax—if you don’t happen to be Christian, I’m not trying to preach to you. But wisdom is wisdom, regardless of the source. We’re just going to dip into the Jesus well for a moment, and then we’ll be right past it. So all I ask is that you consider the following with an open mind.
Jesus didn’t say much about the opinions of others, which actually says a lot. But he did ask a question—one that has recently gotten me thinking: “Who do people say I am?”
This comes from Mark 8, verses 27–29, if you want to do a bit of research on your own. Below is a passage from the New International Version (NIV) of the Bible (which is a translation from the original Greek to more modern-day English), courtesy of Bible Hub:
27Jesus and his disciples went on to the villages around Caesarea Philippi. On the way he asked them, “Who do people say I am?”
28They replied, “Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, one of the prophets.”
29“But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?”
Peter answered, “You are the Messiah.”
So this bit has got me thinking: Why did Jesus bother asking who people said he was?
It wasn’t an ego check. That just wasn’t the dude’s style, and you can know that about him if you read up on what he was doing with his life at the time. He was basically homeless, had no money of his own, ate meals that were donated, and slept in homes that were opened up out of generosity. No one can seriously look at his life and say, “That guy was totally in it for the ego.”
Regarding this question, though—I think that he might have wanted to do a quality check, and make sure his followers were following, if you follow.
I’ve come to believe that he was asking, at least in part, to make sure that he was on point. He was gauging the effectiveness of his message. He was determining if the image and opinion and perception that people had of him was anywhere close to the truth.
In other words, he was seeking feedback about his marketing message. He wanted to ensure that he was living his brand.
Trees and the fruits that define them
Ok, one more quote from Jesus to make a point:
15“Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. 16By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? 17Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. 19Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.
That comes from Matthew 7:15–20 (NIV), and it’s applicable in plain english, right here in ‘Murica and beyond.
How do you know someone is a thief?
How do you know if someone is lazy?
How do you know if someone is an author?
How do you know if someone is an astronaut?
Well, I’m no expert on the economy, and my Latin is a bit rusty, but I believe that if you catch someone stealing, see them procrastinate instead of doing their work, read the book they published, or watch footage of them stepping onto the surface of Mars, you have all the proof you need. The actions we take are an outward sign of who we really are.
Consistency is key
Can your actions betray who you really are on the inside?
Yeah, that’s allowed.
Sometimes we find ourselves doing things that aren’t in line with our character. We get mad about finding dirty dishes in the sink, so we yell at our spouse about being a slob. We take the dog for a walk and realize we have none of those little waste bags left, so we leave a steamy pile for someone else to clean up. We’re running late, and traffic is a pain, so we deploy our driving finger.
Those are typically exceptions, not rules.
It’s our consistent action that shows the world our character.
I’m an author, so I frame a lot of concepts in light of my career. And I can call myself an author because I have a body of work available—at the time I’m writing this I have around 30 books available for sale, and more on the way. I can demonstrate that not only am I an author, I’m consistent in being one.
That’s a positive twist, but consistent action can show some of your character flaws, too.
Showing up to work drunk on one or more occasions shows you lack professionalism, and may have a substance abuse problem.
Constantly fighting with your spouse over minor problems shows you may have anger issues, and may need some personal and marital counseling.
It’s our consistent action that shows the world our character.
Having a hard drive crammed with unfinished manuscripts, but no books available for readers to purchase, shows you have a desire to be an author but lack the self discipline to do the work or the courage to follow through.
Those are all checks in the negative column, and others can spot them as they watch your life unfold. Unfortunately, we tend to have a tough time spotting them ourselves.
So we should ask.
Ask and you shall receive (snuck in another Jesus quote on ya)
Unsolicited criticism almost always stinks. Even when people really are well-meaning, and really are trying to help you out of a sense of love, hearing that your work or your self may have flaws is tough to accept. But mature souls look for that feedback, and use it to make themselves better. And really mature souls don’t wait for it to come to them—they go out and look for it.
WARNING: This bit of advice isn’t going to lead to fuzzy feelings by default. Sometimes we ask for opinions and feedback, and what we get makes us want to crawl in a hole and die. But there are some ways to mitigate that, and actually make this into useful criticism.
Look for mentors. Form relationships with people who are actively living the way you want to live, doing the work you want to do, and generally have lives similar to what you want to have. And notice that term ‘relationships.’ Mentors should always be someone you know or get to know, and who know you well enough to care about you and your goals.
Ask family and friends cautiously. People who love you generally want to avoid hurting you, so they may not be that forthcoming with criticism. And sometimes they actually do want to hurt you—so you want to avoid those jerks. The best approach is to ask the family or friends you spend lots of positive time with. Ask them, “When you think about me, who do you think I am? How would you describe me to someone else, in terms of my best qualities? My worst qualities?” Also, be willing to reciprocate—it’s fair.
Ask strangers who know you (it’s not as contradictory as it seems). Facebook, Reddit, forums, social groups. Reach out to people who follow what you say and do on even a casual level, and ask them, “Can I get you to give me some feedback, based on what you know about me?” Then (and only when they say ‘yes’) ask, “How would you describe me to someone else? What are my best and worst qualities, based on what you know?”
So now what?
You have all this feedback, what do you do with it?
Grow.
If you got back some harsh information about yourself, and you find you’re not producing actions that reflect who you really believe yourself to be, make a plan to change that. Start doing things that are more in line with your character.
No one can tell who you are if you never show them.
Join a program to stop drinking.
Set aside time each day to write your book, and to learn about publishing options.
Get off your butt and do what you promised you would do.
Stop stealing stuff, and give back what you took.
Start drinking Tang. Astronauts love Tang.
And if you find that people are surprising you with positive feedback, start doing more of those things. Start looking for opportunities to demonstrate those positive traits as often as possible, and then add in any other traits you’d like people to recognize in you.
In other words, make sure the actions in your life are reflecting the idea you have of yourself. No one can tell who you are if you never show them.
Your character starts as how you think of yourself, but it doesn’t become real until you do something about it.
Kevin Tumlinson is a bestselling and award-winning fiction and non-fiction author with more than 30 books available. He’s the host of popular podcasts including the Wordslinger Podcast and Creative Writing Career. He is also the Director of Marketing for Draft2Digital. Find more about Kevin and his work at KevinTumlinson.com
